I’ve been scarce on social media these last few days. Snow, lack of wifi, and a need to recharge and kind of do some maintenance on myself have kept me logged off for a bit. I might still be scarce for a bit too, as I have the feeling that 2020 can be something real and good if I let it. 2019 felt like a transitional year. I accomplished a lot (for what I was capable of) but I didn’t do a lot of work on *me*, or on the experience that will have the biggest impact on me and my life forever. I was running away from it, I think, with a lot of travel and compartmentalization. I regret nothing since time is a necessary healer, and I needed to put some time between myself and June, 2018.
But in keeping that busy and NOT feeling more into the experience had left me sort of giving up on the serendipities and signs Izzy showed us. I’d begun to just settle in, and feel helpless and useless against the grief. Resigned to “this is my life now, get through it and be with her at the end.” I had forgotten that I can be with her now, but only if my heart is open to it. I don’t think it’s easy for those we have loved and lost to reach us if we’re closed up, resigned, helpless and hopeless.
I needed this year of “time off” so to speak, for pure survival purposes. But now I feel more prepared to lean into the experience, share what I can that might help others, tell Izzy’s story of love and compassion through my own, and to be kind, less judgmental, and always grateful for the abundant gifts I have been given.
Those are my resolutions for 2020, as well as a commitment to work hard, to push myself when I need it, and to be gentle with myself too, as I navigate the After. Because while the passage of years helps, there is no finish line to the grief or the love, the pain or the lessons, the heartache and the blessings. It is the journey of this lifetime and I don’t want to let her go and ‘move on’ and make the best of what’s left in her absence. I want to make the most of what’s here now, her continued presence in my heart. I carry her with me. Always.
So if 2019 was a transitional year, I feel as if 2020 is a transformational year. And not just for me, but for all of us. I feel a kind of optimism that I had not had in years. I feel as though we can push our opinions and “being right” and being angry at everyone all the time for feeling or believing or thinking differently only so far before we cross a threshold of realization that it’s not working. It’s not creating a better world. Not to say we shouldn’t fight injustice or march against terrible wrongs, but the work of making things better begins by being kind to ourselves first. I know that each of us is a gift to the rest–unique and irreplaceable and stronger than you might believe. And if you don’t hear that enough (or ever) I am telling you now. You are unique and strong, and an irreplaceable gift to the rest of us.
I know this to be true. It is one of the gifts Izzy left us. Her leaving was like removing a shining star on the horizon, tucking it into my heart, so that the entire vista could be seen.
I want my 2020 to be the year of clear vision, kindness, gratitude, and love for all, and I wish all of you so much love in this year to come and every year after.