tired

on

I’m so tired of her being dead.

I know that’s kind of a stark naked statement but it’s true. I’m exhausted with missing her. Every day, all day, for the rest of my life. Her death a life sentence.

I carry her with me. I do. I know she’s not gone, but I’m weary of the physical absence. I’m tired of not hearing her voice or touching her hair or hugging her or messing with her cute little ears or counting her freckles or watching her grow bigger like her friends are. I’m so fucking exhausted by wondering what she would say or write or draw if she were here right now. I take my reprieves by living in the present moment and the knowledge that I’ll be with her again later. God, I’d better. There is no hell to me but one in which there is an afterlife and I can’t find her. I know in my soul there is not nothing, but if perchance there is nothing, so be it . I won’t have the awareness to know it. But if there is Something, then all I ask is that she be the first being I see.

Then I can finally get some rest.

11 Comments Add yours

  1. ira6808 says:

    I wish there were words that could help but I fear that there are none. I believe though that Isabel will be waiting for you because this much love will always keep her close. I wish you that you will find some peace here again and that the time will lessen the pain.
    *hugs*
    Irina

    Liked by 1 person

    1. JR says:

      I know she will be. And I know that the years will fly by–if I have them–and that I’ll spend them trying to give Talia a beautiful life. And I do have peace, little bits. I think as the years go by, those bits get longer. I hope, anyway.

      Like

  2. Annette Chivers says:

    😒😒😒😒😒
    I am sometimes surprised when it seems that you are coping really well but I know you… I know that these feelings are always lurking round the corner. I especially know that I dont know what missing your daughter really means. Your smiles and laughs, your living in the moment, help you coping. Good. I am glad you can express yourself so eloquently. Your words are a little, tiny window to see your aching heart and soul. It’s important to me so I don’t forget it when I see you smiling and laughing next time. Love you ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. JR says:

      I am coping as best as I can with the gifts she gave us. And I am truly grateful to her, so often. But if you cut me open, I am on my knees, perpetually screaming. I think every mother who’s lost a child might describe it the same way.

      Like

  3. Cari Ruderman says:

    I cannot even fathom what you are going through!!! I just know the love you have for Isabel and her love for you will bring you together again !!

    Like

    1. JR says:

      I truly hope so and on good days, I know so πŸ™‚

      Like

  4. You are in my mind and heart every single day.

    Like

    1. JR says:

      Thank you ❀

      Like

  5. Rebecca says:

    I just discovered your books and came across a post about Isabel on your Instagram. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your family have been through. So much love and hugs to you.

    Like

    1. JR says:

      Thank you, Rebecca ❀

      Like

  6. Joanne says:

    I have two Sons! My oldest left us December 6, 2014! And yes I, too, am tired. Thank you so much for expressing how we all feel that have had a loss.

    Like

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